The Secret Ingredient to Living a No-Regret Life

15 Sep The Secret Ingredient to Living a No-Regret Life

In the last post, we discussed how becoming aware of the potential sorrow of regret can motivate us to live more intentionally.

Today’s post will discuss an essential factor in living inspired in that way.

A Life Lesson From a Beach Vacation

In November, I spent a week on an isolated stretch of beach on St. George Island, Florida. Traveling solo, I enjoyed the freedom of establishing a rhythm that followed the wishes of my heart.

I planned to get up early to catch sunrises, then take long walks, put my feet in the ocean and witness the sunset every evening.

It had been more than a decade since my last visit and might be another before I returned. I intended to immerse myself in beach ambiance.

True to those intentions, I began the week with the eagerness of a child. Rushing to the ocean, I took it in with all my senses, dug my toes deep into the sand under the very chilly ocean water, and danced on the beach to a setting sun.

I felt I was living inspired!

By mid-week, I was playing things safer. Wrapped in a fluffy comforter on the porch, I watched the seas from a distance. I ventured out onto the beachfront only when the sun promised to bask me in bright warmth. My walks were shorter, as I kept a sharp eye on the skies and my ever-changing estimation of how far I could walk along the beach and still make it to shelter in case a storm erupted.

I grew comfortable with this pattern.

I was in my comfort zone.

Suddenly, though, I realized that I only had one full day of beach life left.

I’d been living as if it would never end. In doing that, I was squandering my time. And the experience of being at the beach.

I felt sad knowing only one sunrise and one sunset remained before I was scheduled to checkout of the beach rental.

Well, hello, regretful sorrow my old friend—reminding me time is short and to make the most of it.

Awakened to this reality, time got my attention—I returned to my original yearnings of this holiday.

In my remaining twenty-four hours, I spent the entire day on the beach. Walking for hours, I wondered aloud at the brown pelicans careening into the sea. I had encounters with tiny shore crabs, sandpipers standing on one leg, and even young children fishing from the shore. I scavenged for wood scraps and dug a hole to host my last evening’s event–a small private beach fire–bidding farewell to the departing sun.

The following morning, I rose at 5 o’clock. Despite the cold brisk wind, I sauntered out towards the sea still in darkness. As I did, I felt an urge to turn around and look back at my beach-side apartment.

There, I was surprised by the brightest full moon I’d ever seen. It seemed to hover, heavy and oversize, directly over the two-story bungalow where I’d stayed.

Looking with stunned eyes at this sight, I felt alive!

And, I couldn’t believe I’d almost missed the fulfillment I found in my last day.

What a lesson to remember for living a fulfilling life!

How had I almost missed living in alignment with specific intentions for my holiday?

Well, maybe because that’s human nature.

Research finds that left to the devices of routine daily living, the average person does the same thing. We get caught up engaging in activities that do not align with what we actually know will bring us greater satisfaction.

Yep. There is a reason we all know what the phrase ‘Netflix Binge’ means. Google views for a search, “What’s binge-worthy on Netflix,” number nearly four million!

My ‘beach life’ showed me how easily I can be drawn away from my own yearnings that I know bring me pleasure and meaning.

“To live one’s life without a sense of time is to squander it.”–Diana Trilling

Indeed, that was true to the experience of my vacation.

The challenge, though, is that ‘regular life’ does not come with a known checkout time. So we are easily lulled into a false sense of unlimited time.

This reminds me of Bronnie Ware’s findings in her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, from working in palliative care with patients at the end of their lives. At the core, her dying patients who had regretted unlived heart longings and life aspirations seemed to sing the same refrain: “I thought I had more time.”

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My ah-ha moment at the end of my holiday had been the realization that only by paying attention to the certainty of the limited time left to me there did I feel compelled to make the most of it.

This, it seems, is the secret to avoiding the sorrow of end-of-life regret. Living my life most fully would require that I treat my ‘real life’ the same as I had my ‘beach life.’

The Secret Ingredient to No-Regret Living: Maintain a Keen Awareness of the Scarcity of the Days of Our Lives

How can we do this, though, given the nature of our hectic lives and our natural tendency to lose focus?

Well, fortunately, There’s A Practice For That.

Nikki Mirghafori, a meditation master and Silicon Valley advisor, encourages us to find a method to practice that will “bring the scarcity of time front and center in one’s consciousness.”

We don’t have to wait until we are faced with an actual ending of life to encounter a reminder to fully live our one precious life. We can construct a reminder with an intentional practice.

Two options for such a practice are listed below:

Both of these practices engage the imagination to build in a sense of urgency, which can help sharpen our attention to the values we hold most dear. The first exercise contains a series of questions to lead you into an examination of your priorities by first casting ever-narrowing nets over imagined time left to live.

The second contains only one question, and aims to do the same thing.

Choose one, based on your own preferences:

Complete these sentences:

First Exercise:

If I had one year to live, I would…..

If I had six months to live, I would…..

If I had one month to live, I would…..

If I had one week to live, I would……

If I had one day to live, I would…..

Second Exercise:

If you had six months to live, what would you say, “Forget everything else, I gotta do this!” to?

To enhance either of these practices, you might consider playing around with how you go about it. Staying lighthearted and playful can engage your subconscious mind. This can lead to perhaps some surprising ideas that you had long ago pushed away.

Here are some ways to engage the subconscious to speak to you:

• Write the question(s) out on a piece of paper. Read it aloud to yourself several times before going to bed, or getting into the shower, or going for a walk, or a drive. Then, drop it. Stop thinking about it.
• Then pay attention to any impulse, sensation, daydream, song lyrics, or other notions that float up into your awareness.
• Very important: Do not discount it.
• Take out your phone to record or a piece of paper and a pen to jot down anything that arises into your awareness. Put it away, without further analysis.
• After a couple of days of this process, review what occurred to you.
• Does it further inform how you might respond to those questions?

Once you have answered the questions–whether the enhanced subconscious practice or not, do the following:

*Post a reminder to yourself of what your answer is.

*Then, take one small action toward the desires and yearnings from your responses to the questions.

*Build in accountability toward your expressed values, such as telling a very supportive person about your intention.

Are there practices you use to stay alert to important values? Tell us in The Comments!

Disclaimer: Although the content here relates to well-being, it does not constitute the practice of psychology and is not designed to be a replacement for receiving professional mental health advice or services. Although medical and health information may be presented, it does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for proper medical advice or care. The information is designed solely to be educational for those who might be interested in the subject matter. Use this information as you see fit, and at your own risk. We recommend consulting a qualified mental health professional to better understand the most appropriate actions for the reader to take for their own unique circumstances, as appropriate.